When I was in Middle school I used to sit next to “Car Guy” for one completely boring class and he used to intentionally change the lyrics to popular songs a-la Weird Al Yankovich. The one I still remember from all those MANY MANY years ago is Raspberry Yogurt which was a parody of Prince’s (when he was still known as Prince) Raspberry Beret. Sing along now, “she wanted raspberry yogurt. The kind you buy in a grocery store. Raspberry yogurt. And when it was gone she couldn’t eat no more.” Okay, I remember way less than I thought I would when I went off on this tangent. The thing is, this is a parody and totally intentional as opposed to just messed up. Everything in the Zone is unintentional.
I am Lyrical Twilight Zone breading ground. My favorite mix up from my younger days was with the AC/DC song Dirty Deeds. I thought Brian Johnson was singing, “Dirty knees, dundered jeans”. I had no idea what “dundered” meant, but you know, they’re Australian so it must be some sort of unkempt slang term from down under (which also sounds like an unkempt slang term). This is one of the more innocent variations on this often misheard lyric. Some folks have been rumored to hear, “dirty deeds, done with sheep”. I feel pure as mountain powder with my “dirty knees” version.
My girlfriend, Professor Sexy, got a hearty belly laugh from me one day when she belted out a classic, “Hold me closer Tony Danza”. Perhaps that was someone’s fantasy in the eighties, but I think for a substantial reduction in tossed lunches, we should change that one back to, “hold me closer tiny dancer”. I mean the song is sung by Elton John so I suppose making it a love ballad to a pop culture b-lister would make sense, except the song was released in 1971 and Tony Danza didn’t hit TV stardom until 1978 when he landed on the iconic Taxi. Randomly, my fave band, System of a Down, actually does sing about Tony Danza in their song, Old School Hollywood. (No question about the lyrics on this one, just didn’t want to miss an opportunity to plug SOAD.) An S&M alternative to the Tony Danza interpretation is, “hold me closer, tie me down, sir”. I’m sure Sir Elton is proud!
On to another one of my favorite bands, Metallica! With the purchase of Guitar Hero Metallica came an awakening. Singing is the only activity on that game where I blink. If I’m drumming or strumming, by the end of an epic Metallica song, my eyes are stuck open like an old Tom and Jerry cartoon. However, when I sing, I am presented with a different sort of discomfort when the proper lyrics scroll across the screen. Shocking. Did you know that in the song One, they sing “tied to machines that make me be” and not, “tied to machines that make me pee”? I didn’t. Worth the fifty dollar purchase price right there. Oh and the song Battery – yeah, um the lyric is actually “Can’t stop the battery” not “Kama Sutra Baby”. Not feeling the mountain powder sensation on that one. Hmm.
This one is totally not mine, but it rocks! The vary first video I ever saw was the Eurythmics Sweet Dreams. I was quite young and remember standing in my Mum’s bedroom. She had on some morning show and Annie Lennox was the guest. The song goes a little something like this, “Sweet dreams are made of these. Who am I to disagree? Travelled the world and the seven seas”. Unless you hear it like this person from deep inside the Lyric Zone, “Sweet cream is made of cheese. Who am I to disagree? Travel the world in generic jeans”. Sounds uncomfortably delicious!
Speaking of Mum, one Christmas Santa brought me a synthesizer (What? It was the 80’s and I wasn’t cool enough to ask for a red keytar) and a book of The Beatle’s music. Gotta love the classics! My Mum’s fave was When I’m 64 which often gets altered into “When I’m 6 foot 4” as in “Will you still need me? Will you still feed me when I’m 6 foot 4?”. You know my fascination with height by now and the answer is “YES!” I will so totally still feed you! Speaking of tall people, I ran into a rather tall lad from South Africa at a house part last weekend and found that my fascination has a photo negative! Turns out when I confessed my fascination with height, he totally confided the reverse. I was wearing 4” heels for the event, but upon his request I shed the stilettos and we basked in our shared, yet opposite, freakishness for a moment. Then I put my booties back on and we went back to drinking. I sound like a complete pushover taking off my shoes at the request of a random partygoer, but there are no pictures so it’s like it never happened. While we are on the topic of little people, who can forget Santana’s song Smooth with the dreamy Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty belting out, “Man it’s a hot one. Like seven midgets in the mid day sun”. Swoon. He’s totally hot for my genetics.
Sometimes our caveperson genetic programming sneaks in from our subconscious. For example, maybe you are listening to Marvin Gaye’s Sexual Healing and you hear the line, “Darling you’re so great. Can’t wait for you to operate” as, “Darling you’re so great! Can’t wait for you to ovulate.” Or there’s always George Harrison’s catchy pop classic, Got my Mind Set on You which could be mis-sung as, “Thought my Mom sat on you”. Now I have no idea if this is a reference to George Harrison’s Mom being promiscuous or fluffy, but either way, try it next time you’re singing along to the classics. It is way more fun this way.
You know what is definitely fluffy? Bunnies. I love them, especially when they are lining my gloves. The scene from Fatal Attraction where Glenn Close boils her ex’s rabbit is so iconic, the aliens monitoring us from our broadcast TV signals probably think this is a standard part of courtship on Earth. I suppose it should have a soundtrack provided by the Eagles. Come on, you’ve all heard this line from Hotel California, “What a nice surprise, when your rabbit dies”. Perfect pairing. It’s like pears and gorgonzola – delicious if not a little foul. Aerosmith sang a song whose title told it all, Do the Psycho Lady. Ah, they also reference killing a rabbit in Sweet Emotion so maybe Dude Looks Like Lady is just a producer changed cover-up of some deep-seeded fanatics. I smell a conspiracy theory!
My favorite lyrical mess up is repeatedly performed by my absolutely adorable daughter, Rutabaga. Like my Mum before me, I believe in exposing my children to the classics. Rutabaga is a huge fan of the Ramones. Any why wouldn’t she be? They freakin' ROCK! Anyway, there is nothing like riding with my i-pod blaring Rock-n-roll High School and hearing Roo change the line, “I just want to get some chicks” to “I just want to get some cheese”. Makes me snicker every time.
Ever find yourself in the lyrical twilight zone? Would love to laugh at you. Leave me a comment with your fab stories!
How about some classic Pearl Jam, "Oh-500 on the telephone" or so I thought until my husband between fits of laughter clued me into the true lyrics of "glorified version of a pellet gun". Hmm, guess that's makes a bit more sense in the context of the song. Miss you Kelly!
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