The Dangers of Google and Hotel Mirrors

Despite asking for one for the last two Christmases, I do not have a full length mirror.  If I want to see my complete outfit, I climb on the edge of my bath tub and look in the bathroom mirror.  I regularly do this in five inch platforms since they are clearly part of my outfit.  To actually see the stilettos in context, I have to do some Circ de sole contortions.  (Wow I live dangerously) So, when I found myself staying in my very own hotel room this summer I was clearly smitten with the very convenient duel full length mirrors.  Wow.  What luxury.  For the first day I had to resist my urge to owl on the bathroom counter.  It’s not that I have never been in front of a long mirror, but one can get way more naked in a hotel room than say an H&M.

 For those of you who hadn’t noticed, I am short short short (hence the daily desire to wear 5” heels).  Staring in the mirror of truth, I realized that my legs seemed to be a prime culprit in my criminal shortness.  I also noticed that if I lifted my booty, my legs APPEARED LONGER!  Sign me up!  I felt like I cured gout – you know, not quite curing cancer, but still not bad.  For the low price of $21.85 a day, my resort fee included free wi-fi so I googled “butt lifting exercises”.  How’s that for immediate gratification?  I come to find out that I am clearly not the first English speaker who has wanted to make this adjustment.  Pages and pages appear about how to get a high Brazilian butt.  I had no idea what makes a butt Brazilian besides genetics, but the other Brazilians I have experienced have all been worth the pain so I settled in.  Choosing a seemingly easy five minute butt routine, I went to work.  I squatted, I lunged, I fell over a few times.  By this point I had actually re-clothed myself so it was way less embarrassing than one might think. 

Fast forward three weeks to today.  I have been faithfully doing my 5 minutes of butt toning a day hoping to see my badonkadonk defy gravity… to lift…er… to launch itself into…what? My lower back?  Well folks, all that happened was that my already very large derier  grew an amazing ¾ of an inch!  GREW!  Not lift?!?! GREW!  My posterior did not need one more degree of plumpacity.  Google didn’t say’ “effects similar to sitting in miracle grow”.  No.  It said lift and tone.  LIFT AND TONE!  Time, money, pocket aces…these are things I need more of – rear end , and taxes I’m good with.

It appears that where Google fails, Wal-Mart can help.  They have this new miracle product that can put all sorts of parts in unnatural places.  It’s call duct tape and I am convinced that is about the only way I am going to lift my ass.  I’m not sure how you can hide the tape lines in a bathing suit…maybe people will think I am a cyborg…from people of Wal-Mart. Oh, and upon removal, side effect may include Brazilian.