You said WHAT?

I’m relatively sure I am not alone on this one.  It has happened to all of us right?  You’re in the car with a load of friends singing along to the latest and greatest and suddenly everyone is looking at you and laughing…at you, not with you.  When your ears pick up some completely random words that are not the random words the artist is singing…but you are (loud and proud baby) you’re entering the Twilight Zone.   The Lyrical Twilight zone where no two bastardizations are the same.  Where the Bee Gees sing, “It’s all right, it’s okay.  You make love the other way” rather than, “It’s all right. It’s okay.  You may look the other way.”  I mean honestly folks – which way makes more sense?  The song is called Staying Alive and it’s sung in falsetto. 

When I was in Middle school I used to sit next to “Car Guy” for one completely boring class and he used to intentionally change the lyrics to popular songs a-la Weird Al Yankovich.  The one I still remember from all those MANY MANY years ago is Raspberry Yogurt which was a parody of Prince’s (when he was still known as Prince) Raspberry Beret.  Sing along now, “she wanted raspberry yogurt.  The kind you buy in a grocery store.  Raspberry yogurt.  And when it was gone she couldn’t eat no more.”  Okay, I remember way less than I thought I would when I went off on this tangent.  The thing is, this is a parody and totally intentional as opposed to just messed up.  Everything in the Zone is unintentional.

I am Lyrical Twilight Zone breading ground.  My favorite mix up from my younger days was with the AC/DC song Dirty Deeds.  I thought Brian Johnson was singing, “Dirty knees, dundered jeans”.  I had no idea what “dundered” meant, but you know, they’re Australian so it must be some sort of unkempt slang term from down under (which also sounds like an unkempt slang term).  This is one of the more innocent variations on this often misheard lyric.  Some folks have been rumored to hear, “dirty deeds, done with sheep”.  I feel pure as mountain powder with my “dirty knees” version.

My girlfriend, Professor Sexy, got a hearty belly laugh from me one day when she belted out a classic, “Hold me closer Tony Danza”.  Perhaps that was someone’s fantasy in the eighties, but I think for a substantial reduction in tossed lunches, we should change that one back to, “hold me closer tiny dancer”.  I mean the song is sung by Elton John so I suppose making it a love ballad to a pop culture b-lister would make sense, except the song was released in 1971 and Tony Danza didn’t hit TV stardom until 1978 when he landed on the iconic Taxi.   Randomly, my fave band, System of a Down, actually does sing about Tony Danza in their song, Old School Hollywood.  (No question about the lyrics on this one, just didn’t want to miss an opportunity to plug SOAD.)  An S&M alternative to the Tony Danza interpretation is, “hold me closer, tie me down, sir”.  I’m sure Sir Elton is proud!

On to another one of my favorite bands, Metallica!  With the purchase of Guitar Hero Metallica came an awakening.   Singing is the only activity on that game where I blink.  If I’m drumming or strumming, by the end of an epic Metallica song, my eyes are stuck open like an old Tom and Jerry cartoon.  However, when I sing, I am presented with a different sort of discomfort when the proper lyrics scroll across the screen.  Shocking.  Did you know that in the song One, they sing “tied to machines that make me be” and not, “tied to machines that make me pee”?  I didn’t.  Worth the fifty dollar purchase price right there.   Oh and the song Battery – yeah, um the lyric is actually “Can’t stop the battery” not “Kama Sutra Baby”.  Not feeling the mountain powder sensation on that one.  Hmm.

This one is totally not mine, but it rocks!  The vary first video I ever saw was the Eurythmics  Sweet Dreams.  I was quite young and remember standing in my Mum’s bedroom.  She had on some morning show and Annie Lennox was the guest.  The song goes a little something like this, “Sweet dreams are made of these.  Who am I to disagree?  Travelled the world and the seven seas”.  Unless you hear it like this person from deep inside the Lyric Zone, “Sweet cream is made of cheese.  Who am I to disagree?  Travel the world in generic jeans”.  Sounds uncomfortably delicious!

Speaking of Mum, one Christmas Santa brought me a synthesizer (What? It was the 80’s and I wasn’t cool enough to ask for a red keytar) and a book of The Beatle’s music.  Gotta love the classics!  My Mum’s fave was When I’m 64 which often gets altered into “When I’m 6 foot 4” as in “Will you still need me?  Will you still feed me when I’m 6 foot 4?”.  You know my fascination with height by now and the answer is “YES!”  I will so totally still feed you!  Speaking of tall people, I ran into a rather tall lad from South Africa at a house part last weekend and found that my fascination has a photo negative!  Turns out when I confessed my fascination with height, he totally confided the reverse.  I was wearing 4” heels for the event, but upon his request I shed the stilettos and we basked in our shared, yet opposite, freakishness for a moment.  Then I put my booties back on and we went back to drinking.  I sound like a complete pushover taking off my shoes at the request of a random partygoer, but there are no pictures so it’s like it never happened.  While we are on the topic of little people, who can forget Santana’s song Smooth with the dreamy Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty belting out, “Man it’s a hot one.  Like seven midgets in the mid day sun”.  Swoon.  He’s totally hot for my genetics. 

Sometimes our caveperson genetic programming sneaks in from our subconscious.  For example, maybe you are listening to Marvin Gaye’s Sexual Healing and you hear the line, “Darling you’re so great.  Can’t wait for you to operate” as, “Darling you’re so great!  Can’t wait for you to ovulate.” Or there’s always George Harrison’s catchy pop classic, Got my Mind Set on You which could be mis-sung as, “Thought my Mom sat on you”.  Now I have no idea if this is a reference to George Harrison’s Mom being promiscuous or fluffy, but either way, try it next time you’re singing along to the classics.  It is way more fun this way. 

You know what is definitely fluffy?  Bunnies.  I love them, especially when they are lining my gloves.  The scene from Fatal Attraction where Glenn Close boils her ex’s rabbit is so iconic, the aliens monitoring us from our broadcast TV signals probably think this is a standard part of courtship on Earth.  I suppose it should have a soundtrack provided by the Eagles.  Come on, you’ve all heard this line from Hotel California, “What a nice surprise, when your rabbit dies”.  Perfect pairing.  It’s like pears and gorgonzola – delicious if not a little foul.   Aerosmith sang a song whose title told it all, Do the Psycho Lady.  Ah, they also reference killing a rabbit in Sweet Emotion so maybe Dude Looks Like Lady is just a producer changed cover-up of some deep-seeded fanatics.  I smell a conspiracy theory! 

My favorite lyrical mess up is repeatedly performed by my absolutely adorable daughter, Rutabaga.  Like my Mum before me, I believe in exposing my children to the classics.  Rutabaga is a huge fan of the Ramones.  Any why wouldn’t she be?  They freakin' ROCK!  Anyway, there is nothing like riding with my i-pod blaring Rock-n-roll High School and hearing Roo change the line, “I just want to get some chicks” to “I just want to get some cheese”.  Makes me snicker every time. 

Ever find yourself in the lyrical twilight zone?  Would love to laugh at you.  Leave me a comment with your fab stories!

La Mura di Ferrara

The city I live in, Ferrara Italy, is surrounded by an ancient wall (mura). How freakin cool is that? Since this is totally my first time living in an ancient walled city I, understandably, sort of got my dork all over it.

Here is a bad photo of a really old map done in a time when the wall was complete. I love this map and wish I had found it in the attic with a skull shaped rock and cryptic instructions so that me and my friends could go on an adventure and save our town from being turned into a golf course. But no.

Kite Festival March 2011

In the center of town there is a really cool castle. There is a cobblestone road that is heinous for riding bikes, Ercole d'Este, that runs from the castle to the top of the wall and this building. It is called the Gate of Angels, which I have heard referred to as the executioner's house. They loved to kill off folks back in the day, and damn it, most of them probably had it coming. Anyway, this gate was considered pretty posh and was used when all the cool people came or the dukes went hunting in the grounds across the way. Those grounds are now Parco Urbana, or "urban park" where there are tons of cool goings on. My favorites being the kite festival and the hot air balloon festival which are both annual events. My least favorite would be the old men sunbathing in their speedos during midday.

The building isn't a proper gate or house any longer. Currently it is being used as an art exhibition space. The current exhibit is a fun mid-century style of cartoon drawing that is captioned in Italian. Oh, and there's this outside:

On permanent display directly outside the gate (or executioner's house - who knows?) is this creepy Blair Witch art. I don't get it, but I look every time...and shudder.

A large portion of the wall, about nine kilometers, remains intact. In relatively recent history, there was a restoration of the wall that turned it into a great place to workout or ride bikes out of traffic.

This is a pretty standard section of the wall where I run or ride bikes. I took this picture mid day and as you can see it is pretty well deserted.

Here is the wall just prior to dinner time – roughly seven o’clock.  There are a couple prime times for exercise.  Seven pm is very popular as is lunch time.  The morning gets an okay turnout, but not usually from me.  Oh, and working out at seven PRIOR to dinner was not a typo.  Restaurants don’t even open until about seven p.m..  When we first arrived in Italy we nearly starved (okay, we had plenty of reserved blubber to live on, but still, one likes to eat).  We would be hungry for lunch and it would be reposo where the whole city just shut down.  Then for dinner the, restaurants didn’t open until after we had put the kiddos to bed.  Mama Mia.  Amazingly, we have adapted. 

 

It hasn't rained a lot so my trainers come home looking a bit post apocalyptic.

Is that nuclear ash or Ferrara dust?

There actually is a second fitness trail associated with the wall.  The area that contained the moat remains largely park area with a pavement/packed dirt trail.

There are some really cool remnants of past architectural elements.  One of my favorite is this one which I am told had something to do with crafts in the moat, but I could have completely misunderstood that.  No matter.  It is a great place to find folks playing with their dogs in the evening. 

This a Jazz club and restaurant. It has a limited schedule and you have to get some membership to Ferrara clubs, but it is a good time. A better time with wine and friends!

http://www.jazzclubferrara.com/ All my local Ferrara peeps, you can use this link to get the jazz club schedule and the number to make reservations. You want to make reservations.

I had no idea that a wall could be such a cool attraction or part of a city, but it is.  Ferrara’s history is thick.  It is mind boggling to be running along listening to my i-pod on a wall that defended the city long before America was a country.   

So what's on my i-pod: Lost in Hollywood by my all-time most super favorite band, System of a Down. This isn't one of their absolute best songs. In fact I could easily name off more than a dozen I like better. This is one of their songs that the guitar player sings...instead of the singer. Whatever. So why is it running laps in my skull? It is my favorite song when running on the wall. There is a line, "I was standing on the wall, feeling ten feet tall" always puts a little pep in my step. Of course, then Daron goes on to call the people of LA maggots. Whatever, I'm from PA.